Horror

This is the next villain for a musical I write. Horrifying.

Awkward Family Photos - the Musical based on the popular website.

Because there's just too many great stories there.

Also to come: Cake Wrecks on Ice and the Awkward Boner Opera.

When this week is over I am sure I'll have some time to elaborate on some of my favorite entries.

Once Upon A Christmas: Updated

Apparently I need to set myself some time limits or deadlines for this puppy. I'm letting myself get all otherwise occupied and slacking on my blogging. While I know I mostly just write to amuse myself (and hopefully Gina, Meb, Cate, Ryan and Sunny), it's good to set some sort of blogging post standard, no? Methinks a monthly quota would work well. 10 a month? Too ambitious? too lazy? I think it'll do for now. I'm sure I'll change it when feeling uninspired.

Today rather than come up with a new soundtrack to a book, movie, or birth control product that shouldn't be sung about, I'm going to rewrite the plot to a soundtrack. What can I say, I'm living on the edge.

Maybe it's the turning of the calender to December, or the 25 snowflakes that just drifter by my window before melting on the ground, or maybe it's just my sense of nostalgia that hit me after driving by my childhood home yesterday, but I'm feeling a little Christmasy today. Despite growing up North of the Mason Dixon Line, my family always used to listen to the Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton album "Once Upon a Christmas" every year. Now, I know this is from a TV special years ago, but I've never seen it, so I'm going to just invent the plot for myself.

Updated TV Special: Once Upon a Christmas

Cast of Characters:

• Dolly Parton
• Kenny Rogers
• That Reindeer
• Police Officer
• Candy Striper

Plot:

The album opens with electric guitars, Kenny and Dolly wailing away to "I Believe in Santa Claus." I'd like to see a bruised Kenny in a leg cast and an arm sling, explaining how the Santa at the mall beat the shit out of him for telling a kid he wasn't real. This upbeat anthem to the man in the red coat can easily be seen as a regretful lament by the injured Kenny as be rues the day he stopped believing in the Santa and his steel-toed black boots.

Dolly, coming to his side sings a combo of "Winter Wonderland" and "Sleigh Ride" as she bundles up and loads Kenny onto a sled, pulling him against his will through a blustery snowy field. At the end of the ride, they run into the reindeer, who, for fun, has rabies. The reindeer attacks the two lovebirds. Unable to cut the reindeer's head off, Dolly manages to attach a wreath of sleigh bells around his neck so they will at least know when he is coming back for more ("I'll Be Home With Bells On").

NOTE: I realize how unrealistic it may be to imagine southerners going outside without a gun, but please suspend your disbelief for that part of the plot to work.

As Dolly and Kenny sit in their quarantined hospital room, being given their rabies shots, they sing the split screen duet "Christmas Without You," followed by a weary "A Christmas to Remember," complete with a thorough, albeit short montage of the plot thus far.

As a candy stripper comes into Dolly's room she begs her for some morphine to ease the physical and emotional pain (and guilt) she is feeling. As by the end of "Hard Candy Christmas," Dolly will be totally addicted to morphine. She sings the final "I'll be fine..." while strung-out and shaking.

The storyline slips back to Kenny. A police officer has brought him the head of the rabid reindeer. Coddling it, Rogers sings "The Greatest Gift of All." The Original lyrics seem to suggest the song is about togetherness and love. the lyrics will be slightly modified, however, to be about revenge, blood, and rabies. Kenny will hold the head of the deer and laugh maniacally.

As the credits roll on a drugged up Dolly Parton and bitter Kenny Rogers, the final tune, "Once Upon a Christmas," Will really recap the plot in case any viewers tuned in after the show started and/or missed the montage three songs ago.

I, for one, would Tevo that shit and watch it again and again as I decorated the tree, baked cookies, and wrapped gifts.

Arrogant, Albeit Sassy Headline

I know it's old, but I have to give props to Silence! Sure it's an idea Gina and I have had for years, but it's still worth our respect, particulalry when done with Legos.

"Put The Fucking Lotion In The Basket" really is one of the best musical songs of our age.

Sophie!

I have an odd habit of comparing decisions to Sophie's Choice. Cheerios or Chex? Unscented or Woodspice Deodorant? Blue Tie or Plaid Tie? All these questions seem very difficult, much like Sophie's decision about which child to send straight to the crematorium. Daily I feel like Meryl Streep in the flashback scenes. I yell out the decisions, and when asked about them later, I need to be totally wasted to utter a single word about it. I hope that turning this haunting film into a musical comedy will allow me to deal with my pain in a slightly more socially acceptable manner.

I just can't wait to hear "Take my daughter" belted with a troupe of fellow new comers to the camp dance by.

Yaz: A Jazz Musical About Birth Control

YAZ!
Because it is about time for a musical about birth control and FDA restrictions.


Character List:

• Yazmine (Yaz)
• Officer F.D.Admin
• Dr. Healthy-Vag, MD
• The Uterus Girls
• An Ensemble of Sperm.

Act I

During the overture a ballet of sperm begins to overtake the stage. Incidentally, the stage is circular, set up for the show to be done in the round. The ensemble of sperm come through the aisles in the house, but they are stopped by Yazmine, "Yaz," as she begins belting out her first notes (Not In My House, Sperm).

Yaz then goes into a quick musical explanation of how the birth control works. "I'm gonna trick you, lady/ You'll think your preggers, maybe/ You're gonna have a baby/Naw, it's just me," she sings (Not Pregnant).

Next comes the thickening of the cervical mucus. Yaz sings her way around the stage scatting to En Vogue (Never Gonna Get It). Just as she finishes building the wall, the sperm retaliate. As they begin to break down the barrier, Yaz belts out for help from the lining of the uterus. Instantly she is joined by a Spice Girls-like troupe of women all kicking and beating down the Sperm (Fetus Killer). "No Y chromosomes come near/Baby's not meant for here/I wanna get laid/ But no sperm can invade/My egg."

Just when things seem to be going well for Yaz, however, Dr. Healthy-Vag and Officer Admin enter the stage. They overtake the Uterus Girls and circle Yaz, accusing her (The Fugue of the Misleading Ad). Eventually Dr. Healthy-Vag and Officer Admin drag Yaz off stage to end Act I.

Act II

The Act begins with Yaz sitting on her cot in jail, sickly. She spends the first 40 minutes or so of the act singing and explaining herself as Officer Admin looks on (Beyond Birth Control). It's pretty much a Jazz ballad of this ad. You know which one I mean. Just as she is gaining some self confidence after explaining all the possible side effects, including anxiety, bloating, and depression, Yaz is met once more by Dr. H-V. MD. He Allows the Sperm Ensemble, now dressed in suits, into the cell and they all begin to sing (The Lawsuit Dropkick Do-Wop). By the end of this upbeat boggie, Yaz is exhausted and left in a crumpled mess on the floor as she laments (The Recall) and dies.

Better Taglines

Because a local theatre is doing the show and I only know that one song, "Astonishing," I thought I'd get the Little Women soundtrack out of the library. The tag line on the front of the CD jacket makes me a little ashamed for the producers. "Sutton Foster in Little Women the Musical," it reads, "also staring Maurine McGovern as Marmee." Here's the part that really gets me though. At the bottom of the cover, under the logo (which is weird enough) is this cute saying "Six generations have read this story. This one will sing it."

I like to think about everything that way. so what if you're read it? I made it into a musical!

So tonight, instead of writing my own original new horrible musical, I'm thinking of better tag lines for Little Women the musical.

1. Just be thankful we didn't adapt Little Men.
2. Winona Rider: singing, dancing, and stealing (our hearts)!
3. We don't get why Maureen McGovern is doing this either, but let's give her another song
4. Poverty's never been so fun to sing about so long as you ignore Les Miserables
5. A reminder that corporal punishment is something to sing about
6. Uhhh....why not?
7. Too many sisters to makes sense of in two hours
8. Find out if Jo or Laurie wears the pants (literally and metaphorically)
9. See Alcott's life as she always wished it would be: sung, danced, and married.
10. Seriously.

I'm just afraid if I go see the production I'm going to laugh at inappropriate times.