Little Orphan Lohannie

Today, this article was at the top of my celebrity trash news and I thought, "do people still care?" Apparently, the answer is "yes, they do." So why not make it a musical?

The true story of Actress/Singer/Designer/Hot Mess/Paparazzi Target

Lindsay Lohan.

For lack of wanting to spend too much time researching Lindsay Lohan, this musical will actually follow the plot of that other little redhead, Annie. Beginning with the director calling the final "That's a Wrap" for the filming of The Parent Trap remake. Eleven-Year-Old Lohan sings Annie's opening number "Maybe." Instead, however, of being about her parents, she's singing about her career. When she realizes that the Disney Corporation owns her soul, she sings "It's Hard Knock Life."

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Former CEO of Disney, Michael Eisner takes over the musical at this point, singing "Little Girls" as he produces and takes Lohan through the filming of Freaky Friday, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and Herbie: Reloaded.

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Intermission

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After a short scene/montage of Lohan's rise to teenage stardom with a more commercial Mean Girls, she, Tina Fey, Amanda Seyfried, and Rachael McAdams sing "I think I'm Gonna Like it Here." Unfortunately, by the end of the song, Lohan is left alone with the other three women go on to continued Hollywood and personal success. She reprises It's a Hard Knock Life while binge drinking and getting into car accidents. Her ultimate low point comes with singing a drunken "I Don't Need Anything But You" to the only copy of her music album, Speak, that was sold...to herself.

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The Paparazzi enter the stage singing a reprise of "Little Girls" as all the headlines, mugshots, and bad fashion photos flood the stage, leaving Lohan in a heap at the end of the stage.

American Mall:December 26th

With musicals about so many fantastical things, it's time to celebrate the mundane. Much in the way the impressionists wanted to document not the extraordinary and royal, but the normal life, I believe it is time for a musical that celebrates something most Americans have experienced on year or another: the mall on December 26th.

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The day after Christmas, shopping shifts from the frantic, yet caring hustle and bustle to a self-centered nightmare of returns. Who knew the birth of the savor could change the nature of the crowds in just one day off spent with family? While I did not actually leave my house today, there have been years where I have braved the mall, armed with gift receipts and sweaters I'll never wear (Note: the only return I have this year is a sweater whose sleeves are comically short...damn you long arms). I think the best way to get through this day if you happen to be working retail, is to buck up and think about this new American classic musical: December 26th!

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Tracklist:

This Line is Better than This Gift

Can't Believe They Thought I'd Like This (Teenager's Lament)

No Receipt, No Return

What the Fuck do I want with Store Credit?

2 Blenders

Because I'm Not 8 Anymore (Why I Don't Want the Mickey Mouse Mittens)

Pleated Pant Plie

Ungrateful Motherfuckers (sung by Santa)

Who Knows the Meaning of Kwanzaa/Boxing Day Anyhow?

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I'm thinking it's going to be a new holiday tradition, no?

Horror

This is the next villain for a musical I write. Horrifying.

Awkward Family Photos - the Musical based on the popular website.

Because there's just too many great stories there.

Also to come: Cake Wrecks on Ice and the Awkward Boner Opera.

When this week is over I am sure I'll have some time to elaborate on some of my favorite entries.

Once Upon A Christmas: Updated

Apparently I need to set myself some time limits or deadlines for this puppy. I'm letting myself get all otherwise occupied and slacking on my blogging. While I know I mostly just write to amuse myself (and hopefully Gina, Meb, Cate, Ryan and Sunny), it's good to set some sort of blogging post standard, no? Methinks a monthly quota would work well. 10 a month? Too ambitious? too lazy? I think it'll do for now. I'm sure I'll change it when feeling uninspired.

Today rather than come up with a new soundtrack to a book, movie, or birth control product that shouldn't be sung about, I'm going to rewrite the plot to a soundtrack. What can I say, I'm living on the edge.

Maybe it's the turning of the calender to December, or the 25 snowflakes that just drifter by my window before melting on the ground, or maybe it's just my sense of nostalgia that hit me after driving by my childhood home yesterday, but I'm feeling a little Christmasy today. Despite growing up North of the Mason Dixon Line, my family always used to listen to the Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton album "Once Upon a Christmas" every year. Now, I know this is from a TV special years ago, but I've never seen it, so I'm going to just invent the plot for myself.

Updated TV Special: Once Upon a Christmas

Cast of Characters:

• Dolly Parton
• Kenny Rogers
• That Reindeer
• Police Officer
• Candy Striper

Plot:

The album opens with electric guitars, Kenny and Dolly wailing away to "I Believe in Santa Claus." I'd like to see a bruised Kenny in a leg cast and an arm sling, explaining how the Santa at the mall beat the shit out of him for telling a kid he wasn't real. This upbeat anthem to the man in the red coat can easily be seen as a regretful lament by the injured Kenny as be rues the day he stopped believing in the Santa and his steel-toed black boots.

Dolly, coming to his side sings a combo of "Winter Wonderland" and "Sleigh Ride" as she bundles up and loads Kenny onto a sled, pulling him against his will through a blustery snowy field. At the end of the ride, they run into the reindeer, who, for fun, has rabies. The reindeer attacks the two lovebirds. Unable to cut the reindeer's head off, Dolly manages to attach a wreath of sleigh bells around his neck so they will at least know when he is coming back for more ("I'll Be Home With Bells On").

NOTE: I realize how unrealistic it may be to imagine southerners going outside without a gun, but please suspend your disbelief for that part of the plot to work.

As Dolly and Kenny sit in their quarantined hospital room, being given their rabies shots, they sing the split screen duet "Christmas Without You," followed by a weary "A Christmas to Remember," complete with a thorough, albeit short montage of the plot thus far.

As a candy stripper comes into Dolly's room she begs her for some morphine to ease the physical and emotional pain (and guilt) she is feeling. As by the end of "Hard Candy Christmas," Dolly will be totally addicted to morphine. She sings the final "I'll be fine..." while strung-out and shaking.

The storyline slips back to Kenny. A police officer has brought him the head of the rabid reindeer. Coddling it, Rogers sings "The Greatest Gift of All." The Original lyrics seem to suggest the song is about togetherness and love. the lyrics will be slightly modified, however, to be about revenge, blood, and rabies. Kenny will hold the head of the deer and laugh maniacally.

As the credits roll on a drugged up Dolly Parton and bitter Kenny Rogers, the final tune, "Once Upon a Christmas," Will really recap the plot in case any viewers tuned in after the show started and/or missed the montage three songs ago.

I, for one, would Tevo that shit and watch it again and again as I decorated the tree, baked cookies, and wrapped gifts.

Arrogant, Albeit Sassy Headline

I know it's old, but I have to give props to Silence! Sure it's an idea Gina and I have had for years, but it's still worth our respect, particulalry when done with Legos.

"Put The Fucking Lotion In The Basket" really is one of the best musical songs of our age.

Sophie!

I have an odd habit of comparing decisions to Sophie's Choice. Cheerios or Chex? Unscented or Woodspice Deodorant? Blue Tie or Plaid Tie? All these questions seem very difficult, much like Sophie's decision about which child to send straight to the crematorium. Daily I feel like Meryl Streep in the flashback scenes. I yell out the decisions, and when asked about them later, I need to be totally wasted to utter a single word about it. I hope that turning this haunting film into a musical comedy will allow me to deal with my pain in a slightly more socially acceptable manner.

I just can't wait to hear "Take my daughter" belted with a troupe of fellow new comers to the camp dance by.

Yaz: A Jazz Musical About Birth Control

YAZ!
Because it is about time for a musical about birth control and FDA restrictions.


Character List:

• Yazmine (Yaz)
• Officer F.D.Admin
• Dr. Healthy-Vag, MD
• The Uterus Girls
• An Ensemble of Sperm.

Act I

During the overture a ballet of sperm begins to overtake the stage. Incidentally, the stage is circular, set up for the show to be done in the round. The ensemble of sperm come through the aisles in the house, but they are stopped by Yazmine, "Yaz," as she begins belting out her first notes (Not In My House, Sperm).

Yaz then goes into a quick musical explanation of how the birth control works. "I'm gonna trick you, lady/ You'll think your preggers, maybe/ You're gonna have a baby/Naw, it's just me," she sings (Not Pregnant).

Next comes the thickening of the cervical mucus. Yaz sings her way around the stage scatting to En Vogue (Never Gonna Get It). Just as she finishes building the wall, the sperm retaliate. As they begin to break down the barrier, Yaz belts out for help from the lining of the uterus. Instantly she is joined by a Spice Girls-like troupe of women all kicking and beating down the Sperm (Fetus Killer). "No Y chromosomes come near/Baby's not meant for here/I wanna get laid/ But no sperm can invade/My egg."

Just when things seem to be going well for Yaz, however, Dr. Healthy-Vag and Officer Admin enter the stage. They overtake the Uterus Girls and circle Yaz, accusing her (The Fugue of the Misleading Ad). Eventually Dr. Healthy-Vag and Officer Admin drag Yaz off stage to end Act I.

Act II

The Act begins with Yaz sitting on her cot in jail, sickly. She spends the first 40 minutes or so of the act singing and explaining herself as Officer Admin looks on (Beyond Birth Control). It's pretty much a Jazz ballad of this ad. You know which one I mean. Just as she is gaining some self confidence after explaining all the possible side effects, including anxiety, bloating, and depression, Yaz is met once more by Dr. H-V. MD. He Allows the Sperm Ensemble, now dressed in suits, into the cell and they all begin to sing (The Lawsuit Dropkick Do-Wop). By the end of this upbeat boggie, Yaz is exhausted and left in a crumpled mess on the floor as she laments (The Recall) and dies.

Better Taglines

Because a local theatre is doing the show and I only know that one song, "Astonishing," I thought I'd get the Little Women soundtrack out of the library. The tag line on the front of the CD jacket makes me a little ashamed for the producers. "Sutton Foster in Little Women the Musical," it reads, "also staring Maurine McGovern as Marmee." Here's the part that really gets me though. At the bottom of the cover, under the logo (which is weird enough) is this cute saying "Six generations have read this story. This one will sing it."

I like to think about everything that way. so what if you're read it? I made it into a musical!

So tonight, instead of writing my own original new horrible musical, I'm thinking of better tag lines for Little Women the musical.

1. Just be thankful we didn't adapt Little Men.
2. Winona Rider: singing, dancing, and stealing (our hearts)!
3. We don't get why Maureen McGovern is doing this either, but let's give her another song
4. Poverty's never been so fun to sing about so long as you ignore Les Miserables
5. A reminder that corporal punishment is something to sing about
6. Uhhh....why not?
7. Too many sisters to makes sense of in two hours
8. Find out if Jo or Laurie wears the pants (literally and metaphorically)
9. See Alcott's life as she always wished it would be: sung, danced, and married.
10. Seriously.

I'm just afraid if I go see the production I'm going to laugh at inappropriate times.

Awe/Fright.

I'm sorry, but what?

Obama as a vampire.

This is almost as good as Prop 8 the musical.

Cirque du Awesome

You know what's cool? Cirque du Soleil.

You know what else is cool? Guernica.

Cirque du Guernica! therefore, will be supercool.

Imagine it: A troupe of clowns depicting the bulls. They come out and do their funny dances and what-have-you with horns glues to their heads. Just then, a flash of lights and the sound of bombs as the acrobats come out as the citizens. The trapeze artists, dressed as airplanes drop giant, over-sized prop bombs and the gore ensues. Dead clown-bulls and gymnasts just bleeding fantastical candy red blood all over the stage and first few rows of the audience.

Cirque du Soleil is already weird and artsy. I say let's make it political as well. It's about time for some Spanish Civil War in unitards.

Oklahoma City!

Let's continue our Oklahoma! series with Oklahoma City!

Tracklist:

• Hey Hey Hey, Timmy McVeigh
• Waco was Whack-o; We Can Do Better
• O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A!
• A Traffic Violation
• OKBOMB! - The Super-Secret, Super-Coded Investigation.
• Nichols? Who's That?
• I Am Not The Unibomber (Timmy's Last Words)

Note: With all the Fort Hood stuff going on, it seems odd that we look back at things like this with such a desensitized hindsite. I think it might take 5 to 10 years. Perhaps this disclaimer is just making this post awkward. In that case, sorry, but hey, the world is awkward.

Cyc:The One-Eyed Monster Of A Musical

I've always wanted to write a Cyclops musical. I don't think it will be too hard since there are already a bunch of musicals with songs about eyes.

• Sarah Brown Eye (Ragtime)
• Lily's Eye (The Secret Garden)
• Can't Take My Eye Off Of You (Jersey Boys)
• In His Eye (Jekyll and Hyde)
• Eyesight To The Blind (Tommy)
• Eye Look You're Last (Hair)

If I need to I can even go into the realm of non musical songs about eyes:

• Hungry Eye (This one might be particularly good for a monster musical)
• Eye of the Tiger
• Blue Eye
• Angel Eye
• His Eye Is On The Sparrow

So far I can't figure out much about the plot. Love story between cyclopses is clear. Love triangle is most likely necessary as we have a Lilly and a Sarah. They could be lesbians, but after we produce The Hours! as a musical, I don't think it is wise to get too niche an audience. I also really like the idea of a romantic cyclops named Stan. He can love Sarah but be married to Lilly. He will also enjoy catching birds, or at least watching them.

PUSH It Real Good!

Before the movie gets released this weekend, I want to propose the musical comedy version of PUSH! I sure know I can't think of anything funnier than Sapphire's novel about Precious and her unbelievably horrible youth. To keep to the style of the book, we will make this a one-woman show, just singing, birthing, healing and dancing out her story.

While she hasn't committed yet, I am crossing my fingers for Beyonce to take on this project. Come on Ms. Knowles, you know you wanna.


Tracklist:

• Muver
• Daddy Baby-Daddy
• Down With My Down Sinder
• Slave 4 U (Borrowed from the Britany Spears Musical)
• Daddy Baby Daddy 2
• A Bird Is My Heart: An Interpretive Dance
• Gots Me A Dialect That B Reel Tru, Albeit Inconsistant At Times

Yeast

Cate sent me this article about the new musical, Yeast Nation, from the creators of Urinetown. Thanks for the tip off Cate. I am just glad I know what they are up to so I can start my work on MY yeast-themed musical: Yeast Infection Land. Because what's funnier, yeast or yeast and vaginas?

That's what I thought.

Happy Halloween: The Hours!

For Halloween I though I would write a musical comedy that should really scare everyone: The Hours! a Musical Adaption of the 1999 Pulitzer Prize winning book and the 2003 film that confirmed what many people believed Nicole Kidman was being held back by Tom Cruise.

YOU: Why is this the Halloween post?
ME: What's more frightening that AIDS and abandonment?
YOU: Good Point.

Sure RENT probably already exists as the AIDS musical, but I think The Hours! will help fit more depression and abandonment into two hours of enjoyment. Besides, The Hours! is just the first in a whole season of AIDS-themed musical comedies including: The Greg Louganis Story and adaptations of Angels in America (AIDS Angel) and Philadelphia (Philly!). We're hoping Mario Lopez will be interested in the whole season.

Tracklist:

• I Would Have Killed Myself If I Knew Nicole Kidman Would Win Awards For Wearing My Nose And Showing How Nuts I Was, Oh, Wait....I Did Kill Myself (Virginia)
• Flowers (Virginia, Laura and Clarissa)
• I Love Depressing and Pretentious Poems! (Clarissa)
• Cake Time (Laura)
• Mamma Can You Hear Me? (Young Richard and Dan)
• Adoration, Isolation, Depression, Suicide (Richard and Clarissa)
• Kitty's Tittys (Laura)
• Menage a Trois (Richard, Louis, and Clarissa)
• I Think I'm A Lesbo (Laura, Clarissa, Virginia)*
• Cake Time II (Laura)
• Reminder: People Win Awards For This Role (The TONY Award Hint Song) (Virginia and Ensemble)
• The F-U-N in Funeral (Clarissa, Sally, Julia, and Laura)

* Sung to the tune of "I Wanna Come Over" by Melissa Ethridge. Actually, the song is already written when you just replace "I wanna come over" with "I think I'm a Lesbo" in the refrain. See?

LAURA: I know you're home, you left your light on
You know I'm here, the night is thin
I know you're alone, I watched the car leave
Your lover is gone, let me in
Open your back door, I just need to touch you once more

I think I'm a lesbo
To hell with the consequence
You told me you love me
That's all I believe

CLARISSA: I think I'm a lesbo
It's a need I can't explain
To see you again
I think I'm a lesbo!

VIRGINIA: I know your friend, you told her about me
She filled you with fear, some kind of sin
How can you turn, denying the fire
Sister, I burn, let me in
Open your back door, I just need to touch you once more

VIRGINIA: I know you're confused
LAURA: I know that you're shaken
CLARISSA: You think we'll be lost once we begin

ALL: I know you're weak, I know that you want me
Lover, don't speak, let me in
I think I'm a lesbo
It's a need I can't explain
To see you again
I think I'm a lesbo!

Yeah...I Guess So

To second Gina's post below, when you open up the NY Times homepage and see THIS (the article almost explains the picture above), it's hard not to think "wow, maybe a Huricane Katrina ballet IS a good idea."

Are Gina and I the only people think stuff like this might be a little wierd?

P.S. I was going to add this to the blog before I read Gina's post. This just added to the fun.

Really? I mean, really?

Look people, this is just getting absurd.

THIS is why people read my Death of a Salesman on Ice and don't know whether I'm kidding.
THIS is why we remain in a constant state of confusion.
THIS is why I'm increasingly bitter that people beat me to the punch.

Are these ridiculous concepts? Yes.
Do I desperately want to see all three? Yes.
Do these writers think like we do, or do they take it all Very Seriously in the Name of Art? I don't want to know the answer to this one, because I kind of suspect the latter.

Rock You Like A Hurricane

Last night I watched two hours of Spike Lee's When the Levees Broke about Hurricane Katrina.

Tonight I watched two hours of FOX TV's So You Think You Can Dance about becoming "America's Favorite Dancer."

All I can think now is that the two need to be combined. Let's face it, more people watch SYTYCD than downers like When the Levees Broke. My hypothesis is that the dance competition doesn't make the general public want to slit their wrists quite as often. Unless you are a dancer recently cut from the show or in an accident that left you a paraplegic, the majority of SYTYCD is a lot more chipper than four hours of Hurricane Katrina.

My Point? More of a suggestion, really. Combine America's favorite dance competition with America's favorite natural disaster. I for one would buy fifth-row tickets to see an upbeat jazz ballet about the flooding and destruction of New Orleans, the conspiracy theories, FEMA and what is most likely going to go down in history as the Bush Administration's biggest failings.

Act I Tracklist:

• Doppler Schmoppler
• Evacution Shuffle
• Puh-leeze, We Made it Through Betsy (The Ballet of Betsy)
• Rock You Like A Hurricane
• Chevy To The Levee
• Super-Storm In A Super-Dome
• When the Levees Broke It Down!
• FEMA Dreama'
• Spamalot's Better Than Rain (Condee's Lament)
• Lootin' and Hollorin' - The Police Chief Polka
• Nagin v. Blanco - Dance-Off
• Still In The Water

The Original American Cry Babies

Trail of Tears: A New Musical Comedy

Since Rogers and Hammerstein’s Oklahoma was such a Broadway success, it seems only wise to revisit the panhandle state with Trail of Tears! This musical will highlight all we love about American Indians and the history we like to pretend was awesome every Thanksgiving.

As the lights in the theatre dim, the curtains open to reveal a set containing several large wagons and a few Teepees. The sound of drums softly begins and grows as American Indians enter in as much leather and bead working as can be included in one costume. All music for Trail of Tears will have heavy drum use for reasons that should be obvious to you. The dancing will be largely jumping around in circles and other perceptions white people have.

Throughout the two-hour show, the audience will learn very little actually history. They will, however, leave the theatre with a contact high from the "peace pipe" and a warm feeling in their hearts.

Tracklist:
- Drum Circle I
- Yee Haw Chickasaw, Choctaw!
- Westward Ho!
- Perpetual Peace and Friendship (The Treaty or Dancing Rabbit Creek)
- Just Around The Riverbend
- Chero-you, Chero-me, Cherokee
- - Drum Circle II
- OKLAHOMA!
- Drum Circle III
- Muscogee: Remember Me?
- These Blankets Are So Warm! (The Thank You Song)
- The Florida State Fight Song

Rabbit Hole

Tonight, on a whim, I went to the SU Blackbox Players' production of Rabbit Hole. The combination of teaching the play and writing this blog have ruined me. At first I could not help but thinking about what I would do differently, or as I like to call it, "what they got wrong." Then those thoughts gave way to "this would be a GREAT musical comedy!" What could be better than a musical about a family being torn apart as they grieve the accidental death of their son? This was going to be blogging gold, my friends. G-O-L-D.

I was just drafting lyrics to "I'm a Keep the Fucking Bathmat" when I realized a parallel that ruined my plan:

Rabbit Hole = a play about a family being torn apart as they grieve the accidental death of their young son.

Next to Normal = a musical about a family being torn apart as they grieve the accidental death of their young son.

DAMN. Once again we have been beaten to the punch.
I bet ours would have been funnier too. I had rhymed "bathmat" with "Baby Phat."

"Salesman!" on Sunday Nights.

To get a more diverse crowd into the theatre, the stage/ice arena that is a home to Salesman! will show Fences! on Sunday evenings. The musical styling will be in a hip hop style (think Beyonce's Hip Hopera: "Carmen") because, well...you know.

Some of the reworked songs are:

• Yes, We Know it's Death of a Salesman (Ensemble)
• Ridin' on Goodyears/Alberta's Thighs (Troy and Bono)
• Men Talk (Troy and Bono)
• I Know You Got It, So Lend Some Money, Pop (Lyons)
• Chasing Hell Hounds(Gabe)
• Hike/Strike that Metaphor (the Football/Baseball Song) (Cory and Troy)
• Do You Like Me? Who Say I Gotta? (A Love Duet) (Cory and Troy)
• Womanless Man (Rose)
• Damnit, Who Knew a Fence Could Stop Me? (Mr. Death)
• Hey, Hey, Did You Get That Blue is an Allegory Yet? (Raynelle and Cory)
• The Five Year Time Gap Ice Ballet (Cory, Lyons, and Gabe)
• Boogie Woogie Bugle Gabe (Rose, Lyons, Cory, Raynelle, Gabe)
• Yes, We Know it's Death of a Salesman (Reprise) (Ensemble)

Hip hop on ice. You know you wanna.

Salesman!

Miller's Death of a Salesman is not only clearly designed for a musical comedy, but begs the additional spectacular that only comes from that magical addendum: "... on ice!"

Salesman! begins in traditional musical format, until early in Act Two, when the stage floor parts to reveal the ice rink below. Willy performs the show-stopping anthem, "Planting My Garden", between salchows and toe loops, before leaping onto a zamboni, belting, "I Am Known, Leave Me Alone, I Am Known." The zamboni picks up speed as Willy drives off stage to the sound of the frantic cello.

Tracklist:

• The American Dream (That's Our Theme)
  
• Where You Been, Willy? Where You Been? (Linda)
• Those Were the Days (Biff and Happy)
• When I Talk to Myself, I Know Someone's Listening (Willy)
• Bill, Bill, Bill's the Man! (Willy and Biff)
• Why Aren't I the Man Lament (Biff)
• Anyone Else Hear That Flute? (Ensemble)
  
• The Well-Liked Waltz (Willy and Ensemble)
• Oh Woe, How We Owe (Linda)
• March of the Whistling Carpenters (Biff and Ensemble)
• Hike that Metaphor (the Football Song) (Willy, Biff, Happy, Bernard)
• Planting My Garden (Willy)
• I Am Known, Leave Me Alone, I Am Known (Willy)
• Then Why Did No One Come? (Linda)
• The American Dream (That's Our Theme) (reprise)
  

A Heart Full of Darkness: A Dinner-Theatre Musical Specially for Cruise Ships (and any other type of boat, really)

Because what would be better entertainment while eating dinner at 15 knots? I sure know Conrad's Heart of Darkness put me in the mood for a multi-cultural buffet and a fruity daiquiri.

Tracklist:

• The Congo Congo Line (Ensemble)
• Morality Moreschmality (Marlow)
• The Dreams of Men, the Seed of Commonwealth, the Germs of Empire, and the Samba (Ensemble)
• Central Station Shuffle (Kurtz and the Ensemble)
• God to the Natives (Kurtz)
• Is He a Man, or a Monster? (Marlow)
• Empire and Ivory (Kurtz and Marlow)
• The Horror! The Wonderful, Beautiful Horror! (Kurtz)
• Exterminate all the Brutes! (Ghost of Kurtz and Marlow)
• Darkness! (Kurtz and Ensemble)

Slave 4 U: The Britney Spears Musical

With the ongoing stage and screen success of Mamma Mia and all its spinoffs, I figure we might as well dip our producing toe into turning an artist’s career into a musical. ABBA? Sure an obvious choice. Billy Joel (Movin’ Out) and Queen (We Will Rock You) had to happen. Now it’s time for a truly great recording artist and fascinating media subject: Britney Spears. I mean, who in our modern times has lyrics so meaningful, not to mention the sheer musicality of the 4-note melodies?

The musical opens up with the birth of the main character, Bubblegum. Soon she is left alone in her crib at which point, she sadly sits up and sings “Born to Make You Happy.” By the end of the song, Bubblegum has entered a complex relationship with her abusive father (“Hit Me Baby One More Time” and “I’m a Slave 4 U”). Upon learning about the family life of young Bubblegum, a social worker visits the home (“Quicksand”) and takes Bubblegum away (“I Will Still Love You”). Bubblegum is sent to live in foster care (“Overprotected”). Not knowing how to relate to men, she tries to win over her foster dad (“Get Naked, I Got a Plan”). Horrified, he runs from the room and Bubblegum reflects (“I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman”) and flees his care (“I Run Away”).
– End of Act I –

Act II begins with Bubblegum living on the streets and whoring her 16-year-old self for crack (“Gimme More”). She finds a junkie/pimp with whom she begins a somewhat torrid relationship (“Crazy”) and he eventually has her work the streets (“Circus”). After a year of having sex for money (“The Hookup”), Bubblegum, strung-out and bruised, goes crazy. Left alone by a client, She tears a hotel room apart and discovers not drugs, but a razorblade – which she debates using to cut her wrists, but chops her hair off instead (“Freakshow”). When she crawls back to her pimp, he explains how much of a dumb bitch she’s been (“Lucky”) and then throws her out for being such a liability and easy target for the cops (“Someday I will Understand). Bubblegum reflects on her life (“Oops I Did It Again”) while sitting on a curbside and shooting up the last of her heroin supply (“Toxic”). Right when she thinks she has hit rock bottom, her father drives by and, thinking he is just picking up another whore, calls Bubblegum over to his car. Happy to be reunited, the two drive off (“Stronger” and “I’m a Slave 4 U, Reprise”).
– End of Play -

Romeo and Juliet

Presented by the Underwater Shakespeare Co.

“You haven’t seen Romeo and Juliet until you’ve seen it on rafts and noodles,” -- Trina T., Artistic Director

Partial Tracklist:

• My Master’s Noodle (it’s just as fine)
• Capulet Manor Masked Synchronized Swim
• The Balcony Dive Duet
• A Chlorine Plague on Both Your Houses
• Paddling Towards Payback
• Star Cross’d like the Starfish

Hot Pussy! The bell hooks Musical

Synopsis: Hot Pussy! The bell hooks Musical spans Gloria Watkins’s life from her early days in Hopkinsville, KY to her teaching career at Yale, Oberlin and beyond. While the first couple scenes take place during her youth, the show quickly spins off into a two-woman show (think Grey Gardens – a documentary I am so sad someone beat us to making into a musical) documenting arguments between Gloria Watkins and her pseudonym (and alternate identity), bell hooks. The two alternate songs until finally meeting on stage for The Showdown. The final scene takes place at Watkins’s family home in KY with a psychiatric nurse by her side.

Track List: Ain’t I A Woman (How Can We Ever Know)
My Name is Not a Signifier
no i will not capitalize!
Don’t you Subject Me, Mr. Teacher Man
Feminist? That All You Got to Call Me?
Slaughter and Conquest: My Relationship with the English Language
A Hot Pussy Ain’t a Warm Cat
The Showdown (bell hooks v. Gloria Watkins)
I Am Too Smart For Everyone

Now, in light of the final song, I fear this post is too pretentious. If you've ever had to read a bell hooks essay for class, as we have, then you understand how maddening the experience can be. Please allow this to make you smile if you've read bell hooks, and if not, well, tune in next time, or read Gina's Go Ask Alice post. Also, we'll see what we can do about suggestions. What do y'all want as a musical?

Go Ask Alice

a musical for young audiences

Track List:

• I’ll Be Your Babysitter
• Writing on a Paper Bag
• The Colors, the Colors
• That’s A Very Nice Van
• Staring at My Hand Ballet
• Anonymous’ Lament

Complimentary 3-D glasses provided for each performance.

Tracklist from "Metamorphosis"

• K is for "Kafka"
• Got Me an Exoskeleton
• Just Help Me Roll Over (Gotta Keep Rollin' on Over)
• Apple in My Back-el
• Why You Cryin' Mama?
• Garbage and Gravy
• Diggin' a Hole Big Enough
• You Can't Spell "Hope" Without "E-X-I-S-T-E-N-T-I-A-L-I-S-M"
• This Was All a Metaphor
• This Was All a Metaphor (reprise)

Note: All songs in the production will be sung and have the insturmentation of a solo accordian.

Season Opener

Big Red: a musical comedy

Plot Synopsis:

Big Red begins with Karl Marx and Friedrich Engle in spotlight center stage, writing the Communist Manifesto. As they finish the last page, the curtain opens to a tank in Tiananmen Square with student protesters at foot. Mao Zedong, Fidel Castro, Joseph Stalin and Leon Trotsky sit atop the tank discussing their philosophies as the masses below sing about their hunger and loss of freedom. The men happily lay out their plans. This is, for most of the leaders, their only interaction as the rest of the musical takes place in Cuba, China, Afghanistan, East Berlin, Vietnam, and the USSR (or Russia, or the Soviet Union or whatever it wants to be called at that time). We see Trotsky and Stalin wrestle for control (literally and metaphorically), the Berlin Wall go up, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and the Fall of Saigon. We also see the softer side of the leaders we’ve been raised to hate: Stalin and Trotsky as mourning lovers, Karl Marx being tossed out of his brothers’ troupe, and Castro getting his mustache dirty. While paying no heed to timelines, historical accuracy, or cohesiveness of plot, this musical appropriately celebrates the little red government that could.

Song List:

Preface for the Proletariat– Marx and Engle

Tiananmen Square Dance – Mao and the Chinese

Lenin, What a Lover, My Lover – Trotsky and Stalin

Missile Crisis Tap Dance – Castro and the Cubans

Karl, the Black Sheep – Karl, Chico, Groucho, and Harpo Marx

Oh! What a Wall! – Ensemble

Those Pesky Americans – Stalin, Mao and Castro

HUAC, You Whack – Sen. Joseph McCarthy and Ensemble

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