Once Upon A Christmas: Updated

Apparently I need to set myself some time limits or deadlines for this puppy. I'm letting myself get all otherwise occupied and slacking on my blogging. While I know I mostly just write to amuse myself (and hopefully Gina, Meb, Cate, Ryan and Sunny), it's good to set some sort of blogging post standard, no? Methinks a monthly quota would work well. 10 a month? Too ambitious? too lazy? I think it'll do for now. I'm sure I'll change it when feeling uninspired.

Today rather than come up with a new soundtrack to a book, movie, or birth control product that shouldn't be sung about, I'm going to rewrite the plot to a soundtrack. What can I say, I'm living on the edge.

Maybe it's the turning of the calender to December, or the 25 snowflakes that just drifter by my window before melting on the ground, or maybe it's just my sense of nostalgia that hit me after driving by my childhood home yesterday, but I'm feeling a little Christmasy today. Despite growing up North of the Mason Dixon Line, my family always used to listen to the Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton album "Once Upon a Christmas" every year. Now, I know this is from a TV special years ago, but I've never seen it, so I'm going to just invent the plot for myself.

Updated TV Special: Once Upon a Christmas

Cast of Characters:

• Dolly Parton
• Kenny Rogers
• That Reindeer
• Police Officer
• Candy Striper

Plot:

The album opens with electric guitars, Kenny and Dolly wailing away to "I Believe in Santa Claus." I'd like to see a bruised Kenny in a leg cast and an arm sling, explaining how the Santa at the mall beat the shit out of him for telling a kid he wasn't real. This upbeat anthem to the man in the red coat can easily be seen as a regretful lament by the injured Kenny as be rues the day he stopped believing in the Santa and his steel-toed black boots.

Dolly, coming to his side sings a combo of "Winter Wonderland" and "Sleigh Ride" as she bundles up and loads Kenny onto a sled, pulling him against his will through a blustery snowy field. At the end of the ride, they run into the reindeer, who, for fun, has rabies. The reindeer attacks the two lovebirds. Unable to cut the reindeer's head off, Dolly manages to attach a wreath of sleigh bells around his neck so they will at least know when he is coming back for more ("I'll Be Home With Bells On").

NOTE: I realize how unrealistic it may be to imagine southerners going outside without a gun, but please suspend your disbelief for that part of the plot to work.

As Dolly and Kenny sit in their quarantined hospital room, being given their rabies shots, they sing the split screen duet "Christmas Without You," followed by a weary "A Christmas to Remember," complete with a thorough, albeit short montage of the plot thus far.

As a candy stripper comes into Dolly's room she begs her for some morphine to ease the physical and emotional pain (and guilt) she is feeling. As by the end of "Hard Candy Christmas," Dolly will be totally addicted to morphine. She sings the final "I'll be fine..." while strung-out and shaking.

The storyline slips back to Kenny. A police officer has brought him the head of the rabid reindeer. Coddling it, Rogers sings "The Greatest Gift of All." The Original lyrics seem to suggest the song is about togetherness and love. the lyrics will be slightly modified, however, to be about revenge, blood, and rabies. Kenny will hold the head of the deer and laugh maniacally.

As the credits roll on a drugged up Dolly Parton and bitter Kenny Rogers, the final tune, "Once Upon a Christmas," Will really recap the plot in case any viewers tuned in after the show started and/or missed the montage three songs ago.

I, for one, would Tevo that shit and watch it again and again as I decorated the tree, baked cookies, and wrapped gifts.