Arrogant, Albeit Sassy Headline

I know it's old, but I have to give props to Silence! Sure it's an idea Gina and I have had for years, but it's still worth our respect, particulalry when done with Legos.

"Put The Fucking Lotion In The Basket" really is one of the best musical songs of our age.

Sophie!

I have an odd habit of comparing decisions to Sophie's Choice. Cheerios or Chex? Unscented or Woodspice Deodorant? Blue Tie or Plaid Tie? All these questions seem very difficult, much like Sophie's decision about which child to send straight to the crematorium. Daily I feel like Meryl Streep in the flashback scenes. I yell out the decisions, and when asked about them later, I need to be totally wasted to utter a single word about it. I hope that turning this haunting film into a musical comedy will allow me to deal with my pain in a slightly more socially acceptable manner.

I just can't wait to hear "Take my daughter" belted with a troupe of fellow new comers to the camp dance by.

Yaz: A Jazz Musical About Birth Control

YAZ!
Because it is about time for a musical about birth control and FDA restrictions.


Character List:

• Yazmine (Yaz)
• Officer F.D.Admin
• Dr. Healthy-Vag, MD
• The Uterus Girls
• An Ensemble of Sperm.

Act I

During the overture a ballet of sperm begins to overtake the stage. Incidentally, the stage is circular, set up for the show to be done in the round. The ensemble of sperm come through the aisles in the house, but they are stopped by Yazmine, "Yaz," as she begins belting out her first notes (Not In My House, Sperm).

Yaz then goes into a quick musical explanation of how the birth control works. "I'm gonna trick you, lady/ You'll think your preggers, maybe/ You're gonna have a baby/Naw, it's just me," she sings (Not Pregnant).

Next comes the thickening of the cervical mucus. Yaz sings her way around the stage scatting to En Vogue (Never Gonna Get It). Just as she finishes building the wall, the sperm retaliate. As they begin to break down the barrier, Yaz belts out for help from the lining of the uterus. Instantly she is joined by a Spice Girls-like troupe of women all kicking and beating down the Sperm (Fetus Killer). "No Y chromosomes come near/Baby's not meant for here/I wanna get laid/ But no sperm can invade/My egg."

Just when things seem to be going well for Yaz, however, Dr. Healthy-Vag and Officer Admin enter the stage. They overtake the Uterus Girls and circle Yaz, accusing her (The Fugue of the Misleading Ad). Eventually Dr. Healthy-Vag and Officer Admin drag Yaz off stage to end Act I.

Act II

The Act begins with Yaz sitting on her cot in jail, sickly. She spends the first 40 minutes or so of the act singing and explaining herself as Officer Admin looks on (Beyond Birth Control). It's pretty much a Jazz ballad of this ad. You know which one I mean. Just as she is gaining some self confidence after explaining all the possible side effects, including anxiety, bloating, and depression, Yaz is met once more by Dr. H-V. MD. He Allows the Sperm Ensemble, now dressed in suits, into the cell and they all begin to sing (The Lawsuit Dropkick Do-Wop). By the end of this upbeat boggie, Yaz is exhausted and left in a crumpled mess on the floor as she laments (The Recall) and dies.

Better Taglines

Because a local theatre is doing the show and I only know that one song, "Astonishing," I thought I'd get the Little Women soundtrack out of the library. The tag line on the front of the CD jacket makes me a little ashamed for the producers. "Sutton Foster in Little Women the Musical," it reads, "also staring Maurine McGovern as Marmee." Here's the part that really gets me though. At the bottom of the cover, under the logo (which is weird enough) is this cute saying "Six generations have read this story. This one will sing it."

I like to think about everything that way. so what if you're read it? I made it into a musical!

So tonight, instead of writing my own original new horrible musical, I'm thinking of better tag lines for Little Women the musical.

1. Just be thankful we didn't adapt Little Men.
2. Winona Rider: singing, dancing, and stealing (our hearts)!
3. We don't get why Maureen McGovern is doing this either, but let's give her another song
4. Poverty's never been so fun to sing about so long as you ignore Les Miserables
5. A reminder that corporal punishment is something to sing about
6. Uhhh....why not?
7. Too many sisters to makes sense of in two hours
8. Find out if Jo or Laurie wears the pants (literally and metaphorically)
9. See Alcott's life as she always wished it would be: sung, danced, and married.
10. Seriously.

I'm just afraid if I go see the production I'm going to laugh at inappropriate times.

Awe/Fright.

I'm sorry, but what?

Obama as a vampire.

This is almost as good as Prop 8 the musical.

Cirque du Awesome

You know what's cool? Cirque du Soleil.

You know what else is cool? Guernica.

Cirque du Guernica! therefore, will be supercool.

Imagine it: A troupe of clowns depicting the bulls. They come out and do their funny dances and what-have-you with horns glues to their heads. Just then, a flash of lights and the sound of bombs as the acrobats come out as the citizens. The trapeze artists, dressed as airplanes drop giant, over-sized prop bombs and the gore ensues. Dead clown-bulls and gymnasts just bleeding fantastical candy red blood all over the stage and first few rows of the audience.

Cirque du Soleil is already weird and artsy. I say let's make it political as well. It's about time for some Spanish Civil War in unitards.

Oklahoma City!

Let's continue our Oklahoma! series with Oklahoma City!

Tracklist:

• Hey Hey Hey, Timmy McVeigh
• Waco was Whack-o; We Can Do Better
• O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A!
• A Traffic Violation
• OKBOMB! - The Super-Secret, Super-Coded Investigation.
• Nichols? Who's That?
• I Am Not The Unibomber (Timmy's Last Words)

Note: With all the Fort Hood stuff going on, it seems odd that we look back at things like this with such a desensitized hindsite. I think it might take 5 to 10 years. Perhaps this disclaimer is just making this post awkward. In that case, sorry, but hey, the world is awkward.

Cyc:The One-Eyed Monster Of A Musical

I've always wanted to write a Cyclops musical. I don't think it will be too hard since there are already a bunch of musicals with songs about eyes.

• Sarah Brown Eye (Ragtime)
• Lily's Eye (The Secret Garden)
• Can't Take My Eye Off Of You (Jersey Boys)
• In His Eye (Jekyll and Hyde)
• Eyesight To The Blind (Tommy)
• Eye Look You're Last (Hair)

If I need to I can even go into the realm of non musical songs about eyes:

• Hungry Eye (This one might be particularly good for a monster musical)
• Eye of the Tiger
• Blue Eye
• Angel Eye
• His Eye Is On The Sparrow

So far I can't figure out much about the plot. Love story between cyclopses is clear. Love triangle is most likely necessary as we have a Lilly and a Sarah. They could be lesbians, but after we produce The Hours! as a musical, I don't think it is wise to get too niche an audience. I also really like the idea of a romantic cyclops named Stan. He can love Sarah but be married to Lilly. He will also enjoy catching birds, or at least watching them.

PUSH It Real Good!

Before the movie gets released this weekend, I want to propose the musical comedy version of PUSH! I sure know I can't think of anything funnier than Sapphire's novel about Precious and her unbelievably horrible youth. To keep to the style of the book, we will make this a one-woman show, just singing, birthing, healing and dancing out her story.

While she hasn't committed yet, I am crossing my fingers for Beyonce to take on this project. Come on Ms. Knowles, you know you wanna.


Tracklist:

• Muver
• Daddy Baby-Daddy
• Down With My Down Sinder
• Slave 4 U (Borrowed from the Britany Spears Musical)
• Daddy Baby Daddy 2
• A Bird Is My Heart: An Interpretive Dance
• Gots Me A Dialect That B Reel Tru, Albeit Inconsistant At Times

Yeast

Cate sent me this article about the new musical, Yeast Nation, from the creators of Urinetown. Thanks for the tip off Cate. I am just glad I know what they are up to so I can start my work on MY yeast-themed musical: Yeast Infection Land. Because what's funnier, yeast or yeast and vaginas?

That's what I thought.