Happy Halloween: The Hours!

For Halloween I though I would write a musical comedy that should really scare everyone: The Hours! a Musical Adaption of the 1999 Pulitzer Prize winning book and the 2003 film that confirmed what many people believed Nicole Kidman was being held back by Tom Cruise.

YOU: Why is this the Halloween post?
ME: What's more frightening that AIDS and abandonment?
YOU: Good Point.

Sure RENT probably already exists as the AIDS musical, but I think The Hours! will help fit more depression and abandonment into two hours of enjoyment. Besides, The Hours! is just the first in a whole season of AIDS-themed musical comedies including: The Greg Louganis Story and adaptations of Angels in America (AIDS Angel) and Philadelphia (Philly!). We're hoping Mario Lopez will be interested in the whole season.

Tracklist:

• I Would Have Killed Myself If I Knew Nicole Kidman Would Win Awards For Wearing My Nose And Showing How Nuts I Was, Oh, Wait....I Did Kill Myself (Virginia)
• Flowers (Virginia, Laura and Clarissa)
• I Love Depressing and Pretentious Poems! (Clarissa)
• Cake Time (Laura)
• Mamma Can You Hear Me? (Young Richard and Dan)
• Adoration, Isolation, Depression, Suicide (Richard and Clarissa)
• Kitty's Tittys (Laura)
• Menage a Trois (Richard, Louis, and Clarissa)
• I Think I'm A Lesbo (Laura, Clarissa, Virginia)*
• Cake Time II (Laura)
• Reminder: People Win Awards For This Role (The TONY Award Hint Song) (Virginia and Ensemble)
• The F-U-N in Funeral (Clarissa, Sally, Julia, and Laura)

* Sung to the tune of "I Wanna Come Over" by Melissa Ethridge. Actually, the song is already written when you just replace "I wanna come over" with "I think I'm a Lesbo" in the refrain. See?

LAURA: I know you're home, you left your light on
You know I'm here, the night is thin
I know you're alone, I watched the car leave
Your lover is gone, let me in
Open your back door, I just need to touch you once more

I think I'm a lesbo
To hell with the consequence
You told me you love me
That's all I believe

CLARISSA: I think I'm a lesbo
It's a need I can't explain
To see you again
I think I'm a lesbo!

VIRGINIA: I know your friend, you told her about me
She filled you with fear, some kind of sin
How can you turn, denying the fire
Sister, I burn, let me in
Open your back door, I just need to touch you once more

VIRGINIA: I know you're confused
LAURA: I know that you're shaken
CLARISSA: You think we'll be lost once we begin

ALL: I know you're weak, I know that you want me
Lover, don't speak, let me in
I think I'm a lesbo
It's a need I can't explain
To see you again
I think I'm a lesbo!

Yeah...I Guess So

To second Gina's post below, when you open up the NY Times homepage and see THIS (the article almost explains the picture above), it's hard not to think "wow, maybe a Huricane Katrina ballet IS a good idea."

Are Gina and I the only people think stuff like this might be a little wierd?

P.S. I was going to add this to the blog before I read Gina's post. This just added to the fun.

Really? I mean, really?

Look people, this is just getting absurd.

THIS is why people read my Death of a Salesman on Ice and don't know whether I'm kidding.
THIS is why we remain in a constant state of confusion.
THIS is why I'm increasingly bitter that people beat me to the punch.

Are these ridiculous concepts? Yes.
Do I desperately want to see all three? Yes.
Do these writers think like we do, or do they take it all Very Seriously in the Name of Art? I don't want to know the answer to this one, because I kind of suspect the latter.

Rock You Like A Hurricane

Last night I watched two hours of Spike Lee's When the Levees Broke about Hurricane Katrina.

Tonight I watched two hours of FOX TV's So You Think You Can Dance about becoming "America's Favorite Dancer."

All I can think now is that the two need to be combined. Let's face it, more people watch SYTYCD than downers like When the Levees Broke. My hypothesis is that the dance competition doesn't make the general public want to slit their wrists quite as often. Unless you are a dancer recently cut from the show or in an accident that left you a paraplegic, the majority of SYTYCD is a lot more chipper than four hours of Hurricane Katrina.

My Point? More of a suggestion, really. Combine America's favorite dance competition with America's favorite natural disaster. I for one would buy fifth-row tickets to see an upbeat jazz ballet about the flooding and destruction of New Orleans, the conspiracy theories, FEMA and what is most likely going to go down in history as the Bush Administration's biggest failings.

Act I Tracklist:

• Doppler Schmoppler
• Evacution Shuffle
• Puh-leeze, We Made it Through Betsy (The Ballet of Betsy)
• Rock You Like A Hurricane
• Chevy To The Levee
• Super-Storm In A Super-Dome
• When the Levees Broke It Down!
• FEMA Dreama'
• Spamalot's Better Than Rain (Condee's Lament)
• Lootin' and Hollorin' - The Police Chief Polka
• Nagin v. Blanco - Dance-Off
• Still In The Water

The Original American Cry Babies

Trail of Tears: A New Musical Comedy

Since Rogers and Hammerstein’s Oklahoma was such a Broadway success, it seems only wise to revisit the panhandle state with Trail of Tears! This musical will highlight all we love about American Indians and the history we like to pretend was awesome every Thanksgiving.

As the lights in the theatre dim, the curtains open to reveal a set containing several large wagons and a few Teepees. The sound of drums softly begins and grows as American Indians enter in as much leather and bead working as can be included in one costume. All music for Trail of Tears will have heavy drum use for reasons that should be obvious to you. The dancing will be largely jumping around in circles and other perceptions white people have.

Throughout the two-hour show, the audience will learn very little actually history. They will, however, leave the theatre with a contact high from the "peace pipe" and a warm feeling in their hearts.

Tracklist:
- Drum Circle I
- Yee Haw Chickasaw, Choctaw!
- Westward Ho!
- Perpetual Peace and Friendship (The Treaty or Dancing Rabbit Creek)
- Just Around The Riverbend
- Chero-you, Chero-me, Cherokee
- - Drum Circle II
- OKLAHOMA!
- Drum Circle III
- Muscogee: Remember Me?
- These Blankets Are So Warm! (The Thank You Song)
- The Florida State Fight Song

Rabbit Hole

Tonight, on a whim, I went to the SU Blackbox Players' production of Rabbit Hole. The combination of teaching the play and writing this blog have ruined me. At first I could not help but thinking about what I would do differently, or as I like to call it, "what they got wrong." Then those thoughts gave way to "this would be a GREAT musical comedy!" What could be better than a musical about a family being torn apart as they grieve the accidental death of their son? This was going to be blogging gold, my friends. G-O-L-D.

I was just drafting lyrics to "I'm a Keep the Fucking Bathmat" when I realized a parallel that ruined my plan:

Rabbit Hole = a play about a family being torn apart as they grieve the accidental death of their young son.

Next to Normal = a musical about a family being torn apart as they grieve the accidental death of their young son.

DAMN. Once again we have been beaten to the punch.
I bet ours would have been funnier too. I had rhymed "bathmat" with "Baby Phat."

"Salesman!" on Sunday Nights.

To get a more diverse crowd into the theatre, the stage/ice arena that is a home to Salesman! will show Fences! on Sunday evenings. The musical styling will be in a hip hop style (think Beyonce's Hip Hopera: "Carmen") because, well...you know.

Some of the reworked songs are:

• Yes, We Know it's Death of a Salesman (Ensemble)
• Ridin' on Goodyears/Alberta's Thighs (Troy and Bono)
• Men Talk (Troy and Bono)
• I Know You Got It, So Lend Some Money, Pop (Lyons)
• Chasing Hell Hounds(Gabe)
• Hike/Strike that Metaphor (the Football/Baseball Song) (Cory and Troy)
• Do You Like Me? Who Say I Gotta? (A Love Duet) (Cory and Troy)
• Womanless Man (Rose)
• Damnit, Who Knew a Fence Could Stop Me? (Mr. Death)
• Hey, Hey, Did You Get That Blue is an Allegory Yet? (Raynelle and Cory)
• The Five Year Time Gap Ice Ballet (Cory, Lyons, and Gabe)
• Boogie Woogie Bugle Gabe (Rose, Lyons, Cory, Raynelle, Gabe)
• Yes, We Know it's Death of a Salesman (Reprise) (Ensemble)

Hip hop on ice. You know you wanna.

Salesman!

Miller's Death of a Salesman is not only clearly designed for a musical comedy, but begs the additional spectacular that only comes from that magical addendum: "... on ice!"

Salesman! begins in traditional musical format, until early in Act Two, when the stage floor parts to reveal the ice rink below. Willy performs the show-stopping anthem, "Planting My Garden", between salchows and toe loops, before leaping onto a zamboni, belting, "I Am Known, Leave Me Alone, I Am Known." The zamboni picks up speed as Willy drives off stage to the sound of the frantic cello.

Tracklist:

• The American Dream (That's Our Theme)
  
• Where You Been, Willy? Where You Been? (Linda)
• Those Were the Days (Biff and Happy)
• When I Talk to Myself, I Know Someone's Listening (Willy)
• Bill, Bill, Bill's the Man! (Willy and Biff)
• Why Aren't I the Man Lament (Biff)
• Anyone Else Hear That Flute? (Ensemble)
  
• The Well-Liked Waltz (Willy and Ensemble)
• Oh Woe, How We Owe (Linda)
• March of the Whistling Carpenters (Biff and Ensemble)
• Hike that Metaphor (the Football Song) (Willy, Biff, Happy, Bernard)
• Planting My Garden (Willy)
• I Am Known, Leave Me Alone, I Am Known (Willy)
• Then Why Did No One Come? (Linda)
• The American Dream (That's Our Theme) (reprise)
  

A Heart Full of Darkness: A Dinner-Theatre Musical Specially for Cruise Ships (and any other type of boat, really)

Because what would be better entertainment while eating dinner at 15 knots? I sure know Conrad's Heart of Darkness put me in the mood for a multi-cultural buffet and a fruity daiquiri.

Tracklist:

• The Congo Congo Line (Ensemble)
• Morality Moreschmality (Marlow)
• The Dreams of Men, the Seed of Commonwealth, the Germs of Empire, and the Samba (Ensemble)
• Central Station Shuffle (Kurtz and the Ensemble)
• God to the Natives (Kurtz)
• Is He a Man, or a Monster? (Marlow)
• Empire and Ivory (Kurtz and Marlow)
• The Horror! The Wonderful, Beautiful Horror! (Kurtz)
• Exterminate all the Brutes! (Ghost of Kurtz and Marlow)
• Darkness! (Kurtz and Ensemble)

Slave 4 U: The Britney Spears Musical

With the ongoing stage and screen success of Mamma Mia and all its spinoffs, I figure we might as well dip our producing toe into turning an artist’s career into a musical. ABBA? Sure an obvious choice. Billy Joel (Movin’ Out) and Queen (We Will Rock You) had to happen. Now it’s time for a truly great recording artist and fascinating media subject: Britney Spears. I mean, who in our modern times has lyrics so meaningful, not to mention the sheer musicality of the 4-note melodies?

The musical opens up with the birth of the main character, Bubblegum. Soon she is left alone in her crib at which point, she sadly sits up and sings “Born to Make You Happy.” By the end of the song, Bubblegum has entered a complex relationship with her abusive father (“Hit Me Baby One More Time” and “I’m a Slave 4 U”). Upon learning about the family life of young Bubblegum, a social worker visits the home (“Quicksand”) and takes Bubblegum away (“I Will Still Love You”). Bubblegum is sent to live in foster care (“Overprotected”). Not knowing how to relate to men, she tries to win over her foster dad (“Get Naked, I Got a Plan”). Horrified, he runs from the room and Bubblegum reflects (“I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman”) and flees his care (“I Run Away”).
– End of Act I –

Act II begins with Bubblegum living on the streets and whoring her 16-year-old self for crack (“Gimme More”). She finds a junkie/pimp with whom she begins a somewhat torrid relationship (“Crazy”) and he eventually has her work the streets (“Circus”). After a year of having sex for money (“The Hookup”), Bubblegum, strung-out and bruised, goes crazy. Left alone by a client, She tears a hotel room apart and discovers not drugs, but a razorblade – which she debates using to cut her wrists, but chops her hair off instead (“Freakshow”). When she crawls back to her pimp, he explains how much of a dumb bitch she’s been (“Lucky”) and then throws her out for being such a liability and easy target for the cops (“Someday I will Understand). Bubblegum reflects on her life (“Oops I Did It Again”) while sitting on a curbside and shooting up the last of her heroin supply (“Toxic”). Right when she thinks she has hit rock bottom, her father drives by and, thinking he is just picking up another whore, calls Bubblegum over to his car. Happy to be reunited, the two drive off (“Stronger” and “I’m a Slave 4 U, Reprise”).
– End of Play -

Romeo and Juliet

Presented by the Underwater Shakespeare Co.

“You haven’t seen Romeo and Juliet until you’ve seen it on rafts and noodles,” -- Trina T., Artistic Director

Partial Tracklist:

• My Master’s Noodle (it’s just as fine)
• Capulet Manor Masked Synchronized Swim
• The Balcony Dive Duet
• A Chlorine Plague on Both Your Houses
• Paddling Towards Payback
• Star Cross’d like the Starfish

Hot Pussy! The bell hooks Musical

Synopsis: Hot Pussy! The bell hooks Musical spans Gloria Watkins’s life from her early days in Hopkinsville, KY to her teaching career at Yale, Oberlin and beyond. While the first couple scenes take place during her youth, the show quickly spins off into a two-woman show (think Grey Gardens – a documentary I am so sad someone beat us to making into a musical) documenting arguments between Gloria Watkins and her pseudonym (and alternate identity), bell hooks. The two alternate songs until finally meeting on stage for The Showdown. The final scene takes place at Watkins’s family home in KY with a psychiatric nurse by her side.

Track List: Ain’t I A Woman (How Can We Ever Know)
My Name is Not a Signifier
no i will not capitalize!
Don’t you Subject Me, Mr. Teacher Man
Feminist? That All You Got to Call Me?
Slaughter and Conquest: My Relationship with the English Language
A Hot Pussy Ain’t a Warm Cat
The Showdown (bell hooks v. Gloria Watkins)
I Am Too Smart For Everyone

Now, in light of the final song, I fear this post is too pretentious. If you've ever had to read a bell hooks essay for class, as we have, then you understand how maddening the experience can be. Please allow this to make you smile if you've read bell hooks, and if not, well, tune in next time, or read Gina's Go Ask Alice post. Also, we'll see what we can do about suggestions. What do y'all want as a musical?

Go Ask Alice

a musical for young audiences

Track List:

• I’ll Be Your Babysitter
• Writing on a Paper Bag
• The Colors, the Colors
• That’s A Very Nice Van
• Staring at My Hand Ballet
• Anonymous’ Lament

Complimentary 3-D glasses provided for each performance.

Tracklist from "Metamorphosis"

• K is for "Kafka"
• Got Me an Exoskeleton
• Just Help Me Roll Over (Gotta Keep Rollin' on Over)
• Apple in My Back-el
• Why You Cryin' Mama?
• Garbage and Gravy
• Diggin' a Hole Big Enough
• You Can't Spell "Hope" Without "E-X-I-S-T-E-N-T-I-A-L-I-S-M"
• This Was All a Metaphor
• This Was All a Metaphor (reprise)

Note: All songs in the production will be sung and have the insturmentation of a solo accordian.

Season Opener

Big Red: a musical comedy

Plot Synopsis:

Big Red begins with Karl Marx and Friedrich Engle in spotlight center stage, writing the Communist Manifesto. As they finish the last page, the curtain opens to a tank in Tiananmen Square with student protesters at foot. Mao Zedong, Fidel Castro, Joseph Stalin and Leon Trotsky sit atop the tank discussing their philosophies as the masses below sing about their hunger and loss of freedom. The men happily lay out their plans. This is, for most of the leaders, their only interaction as the rest of the musical takes place in Cuba, China, Afghanistan, East Berlin, Vietnam, and the USSR (or Russia, or the Soviet Union or whatever it wants to be called at that time). We see Trotsky and Stalin wrestle for control (literally and metaphorically), the Berlin Wall go up, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and the Fall of Saigon. We also see the softer side of the leaders we’ve been raised to hate: Stalin and Trotsky as mourning lovers, Karl Marx being tossed out of his brothers’ troupe, and Castro getting his mustache dirty. While paying no heed to timelines, historical accuracy, or cohesiveness of plot, this musical appropriately celebrates the little red government that could.

Song List:

Preface for the Proletariat– Marx and Engle

Tiananmen Square Dance – Mao and the Chinese

Lenin, What a Lover, My Lover – Trotsky and Stalin

Missile Crisis Tap Dance – Castro and the Cubans

Karl, the Black Sheep – Karl, Chico, Groucho, and Harpo Marx

Oh! What a Wall! – Ensemble

Those Pesky Americans – Stalin, Mao and Castro

HUAC, You Whack – Sen. Joseph McCarthy and Ensemble

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